A Story I Tell Myself

The Interconnectedness of Life

Life is a storybook. There are as many stories in the book as there are people to write them. The writing is not separate from the living. Both are made up of everything I think, feel, say and do, as well as the meaning I give to all of the foregoing.

Every cell in this amazing human body is contributing to the story, via the cellular memory of this individual subconscious and our collective unconscious. That memory dates back to the dawn of human history and with it the formation of the separated self of human self-consciousness.

To be aware of, to know the drama of my story, as it expresses itself from day to day, from year to year, is to know myself. The knowing and the self are not static, fixed, solid. They are human consciousness, in the form and formless state, forever striving to expand from the contracted isolated Me into the all-inclusive, all-embracing We.

Enough introduction. Let this story of mine begin.

The Emergence of the Separated Self

It starts in the year 2000. That was not the year of my birth. Rather, it was the birth or the coming to life of something else, something deep within me and I believe, within all of us. I’m calling that something the Separated Self.

It erupted suddenly and dramatically, taking the form of horrific nightmares, followed by bouts of depression, enervation, disability and pain throughout the day. At first, the first five years or so, the nightmare scenarios had nothing to do with me, this life of mine. Rather, they were graphic, dramatic and bloody depictions of tragic events throughout the collective lifetime of our species, starting with early man and progressing through the pages of history up to WW II.

The scenarios included, but were not limited to, the genocidal atrocities of the Third Reich and the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as well as natural disasters, accidents (the sinking of the Titanic) and individual acts of evil for evil’s sake.

In each case I, as conscious awareness, was drawn into the heart of the action, made to feel its evil, its violence and its pain. I would awaken from the dreams shaking, trembling, kicking the sheets.

There was no chance of going back to sleep, so I would pace the floor, talking to myself, trying to shake off the fear that encircled me. At one point, as a form of therapy, I took to making chalk and crayon drawings of the fiendish figures and faces that confronted me. I called the drawings “Dark Forces in Color.”

Confronting and Transmuting Trauma

The trauma was so intense that I developed a profound fear of night time, darkness and sleep, resulting in years of insomnia which gradually diminished, as the nightmares turned into heavy dreams about the dark moments, emotional patterns and challenging relationships in my own lifetime.

How many times since the year 2000 have I asked myself, “What is the meaning of this journey of mine, what is its purpose, what does God/the Universe want me to learn from this?”

Here’s the answer that has emerged, taken shape over time and become the theme of my story. The force of evolution, Intelligent Design, God of whatever you wish to call it, is calling for the retracing, the purging and the healing of the Shadow Self of Homo Sapiens. This includes the transformation of our multi-dimensional human organism.

This transformation or, The Process, as I call it, includes the conscious reliving, forgiving and releasing of the individual and collective trauma.

I have no doubt this Process is not mine alone. Quite likely, it is happening or attempting to take place in a multitude of individuals worldwide in different ways and to different degrees. It may not be recognized because its symptoms can be misinterpreted as depression, mental illness and/or a variety of disease processes.

Part of the reason it is happening here and now in this body and life of mine is because none of the recognized avenues of transformation such as, meditation, positive affirmations, connecting with “higher beings,” following the teachings of a Guru or joining a recognized religion and attending church services, none these have worked for me.

While I was experimenting with and failing at all of the above, there was a voice within me, getting louder all the time: “How can the transformation of consciousness be complete without the transmutation of the human body?” For me, the conscious and the subconscious, to include the mind body and spirit, are interdependent and co-creative. One cannot evolve without the other.

The so-called enlightenment experience is a transformation of the conscious aspect only, an out-ot-body phenomenon, leaving behind the shadow self or human underworld, where it is transferred from one generation to the next.

My story goes deeper and wider. We humans are an organism divided unto itself. The conscious aspect which contains the I, the Me, the ego and our primary sense of I-dentity has partially separated itself from the subconscious human body. “I am a spiritual being, as spirit, I am eternal, passing through life in this mortal physical form.”

This racial belief system, or variations on it, is the essence of separation. It is a death sentence to the physical body which, contrary to popular belief, holds within itself the gateway to the universe. At the quantum level every cell within the body is a microcosm of, or an individualized expression of, universal energy. This energy or subconscious intelligence with its past, present and potential future is held within the “junk” or uncoded portion of our DNA.

Here to fore, what has been called the transformation of consciousness has been taking place in an already separated or disembodied and disempowered self. This is why the teachings and examples of our saints and gurus have had little impact on the self-destructive course of human history.

In like manner, the conscious transformation envisioned by the various “unity community” movements taking place worldwide today is a dream castle built on sand. It overlooks and/or attempts to override the human shadow that is smoldering within the subconscious. If unaddressed, the shadow will continue to resurface, erupting, disrupting and/or destroying our collective unity in one way or another.

Embracing the Shadow, Owning the Pain

Now, to the blood, sweat and tears of my story: embracing the shadow, owning the pain. While I like to think this work is a noble effort of mine, in reality I have no choice. I could not give up or back away from the trauma. I am drawn into it, pulled down into this bottomless pit. I am overcome by a sick, empty feeling … the life force is being sucked out of me. I am squirming, forcing my way through depression and dysfunction.

This happens periodically throughout the day, some days more than others and every night, wherein the dream state takes me over. I am lost and helpless within it.

Waking up each morning, returning to the conscious state is a physical and mental-emotional struggle, I am fighting off the darkness from the night before, fighting against an energetic contraction that cramps my muscles and binds my major structural joints, causing restricted and painful movement of my back. neck, both shoulders, left hip, leg and knee … I am learning to walk, move and function all over again.

Gradually, miraculously, the contraction subsides and I am able to function in a limited capacity.

Having come this far in the story, you may be wondering:

1) Has this story teller done anything to seek professional help for these ailments and

2) What credentials does he have for making these sweeping claims about evolution and the human psyche?

Answers; first:

#2: None. Do you believe what you read or hear based upon the credentials of its source? Is it the truth because that source is a published writer, a lecturer, a workshop leader, appears on You Tubes?

I suggest, in whatever form the truth is presented to you it is your own decision that makes it so and in part, your own projection/creation of it.

Now, the answer to #1:

Yes, everything imaginable. This includes: the MD, the emergency room, the psychiatrist, Gestalt group therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic, neuromuscular therapy, hands-on energy work (Rolfing, Reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Polarity), acupuncture, spiritual healing (in-person and remote), negative entity clearance, crystal and light therapy.

All of the foregoing, to which I devoted twenty-five years of my life, had temporary results in addressing my symptoms and with one exception, were unable to identify an underlying cause. That exception was the muscle response testing of two amazing energy medicine practitioners. Both identified “negative energy toxins,” to include exogenous negative entities, the Evil Eye and one particularly evil past life or cellular memory experience.

For a number of years, for no reason at all, I would find myself wishing death and/or destruction on the people I related to on a daily basis. This was totally contrary to my outgoing, friendly personality.

Identifying the cause, however, was not the cure, which remains to this day in the hands of the Process or the wisdom, the power, the light and the love of God/the Universe.

In closing, it is my hope that the sharing of this story I tell myself will in some way contribute to the writing and the living of the story you are telling yourself and to the ever-evolving storybook of life.

Peter is a retired freelance writer living in a quaint cottage on a beautiful old homestead in rural Hunterdon County NJ where he pursues his interests in gardening, physical fitness, at a local gym and getting to the ‘worm at the core’ of Homo Sapiens.